by the ideal that we live

Smoothed wrinkles, age dialed back, features perfected. Idealization is rooted in art, especially in Classical Greco-Roman. Like the marble busts and dynamic statues, idealization too, has withstood the test of time

It lives in me. I walk the line between idealizing those I admire, and simply admiring them. Sometimes admiration turns into something darker.

I slip through phases, changing my mind about who to become as I meet new people personally, online, or the alternate universe of literature. I fill in the gaps of what I don't know, painting a shimmery, pastel coat over it all. 

But what's underneath eludes me. Those people aren't me. I've only earned a look at their pristine cover, perhaps a peek at the first few pages. Rarely deeper, where the plot starts to twist and turn, and their monsters come out of the shadows. I simply see their exterior they choose to present, or even the exterior the author has chosen to create. 
In the moment, it's difficult to remember. I'm naturally competitive, and admiration and awe can quickly turn into jealousy if I don't control it and keep myself in check. Does she have better clothes than me? Why doesn't he struggle as much as I do in this class? How does she have such clear skin?

And I'm pulled in so many diverging directions, influenced by the myriad of people who seem to have more than I do. 

Wearing: Zara Kids suede cowboy boot (similar)

I'll want to be a free spirit, who is capable of quick forgiveness, who doesn't hold a grudge, and knows who she is. I'll want to feel secure in who I am, in what I look like, while simultaneously appreciating others as well. I'll want to trust that the universe has a plan for me, that the weight of my future isn't resting on my decisions today. 

Then logic and reality set in. And I'll want to climb, even claw if necessary, my way to the top. I'll want people to respect what I have to say, to know I mean business in what I do. I'll want to be remembered, to be the one at that party who needs no introduction, the one who elicits the sought after "I know who you are". 

Is it even possible to have so many characteristics crammed into a tiny, 5'3" frame? Or will I implode from the sheer force of the distinctive traits, tumbling around inside me?

A knock to the head, and I'll remember that these are just stereotypes, like the old Manic Pixie Dream Girl. These aspects I've pulled from those I admire are single facets of a large, complex system. Only in my mind have I constructed these intimidating, idealized versions. 

I imagine a city of glistening, crystal skyscrapers, when in actuality, there lies a colorful, welcoming village.

Do you tend to idealize people as well? What are the positives of idealization? Constructive criticism?



p.s. I have a giveaway for sunglasses going on here! enter before feb 1.
p.p.s. if you're feeling up to it, I'd love to get your thoughts on the blog with a reader survey. thanks so much!

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